I'm Learning! We Get What We Create

This is a picture of Mom's Lemon Meringue Pie. MMMMMM Yums. And in the spirit of "if life gives you lemons, make......pie", the following story.

Late Friday afternoon, I was on the phone talking to my parents. When I hung up and checked messages, there was one from my oncologist's office - a nurse saying she had some test results for me and would I please call in on Monday. I called back immediately, but the office had closed for the weekend.

"Two roads diverged into a wood, and I, " I took the road to panic. Here is a stream of consciousness replay: It's been two weeks since I had blood work done - any bad news would have come in a few days later, and they would have called me then, so this must be GOOD news, How could they call me with bad news late on Friday when I can't get the info til Monday? I know the ONE of the tumor markers he watches is available two days after the blood draw....but that other one....maybe it takes longer to come back? I know - he sees something in the bloodwork he overlooked and wants me to have a scan before I come in in a week. Maybe I have leukemia. Maybe I'm just anemic and he wants me to deal with that. I do have to cough 3 or 4 times a day - maybe he saw some indicator that something is in my lungs - DAMN - on the other hand, I am having allergies and post nasal drip....Oh my God - what if the Xeloda has stopped working already....is it gonna be no-hair IV chemo drip now.....and on and on.

I have always had a tendency to worry - and Stage 4 cancer doesn't do much to help with that! But I ended up realizing that since I had NO information, and was not GOING to have information for 3 days, I could CHOOSE what to believe they were calling about and live in that for the weekend.

Easier said than done. So I also made a decision for myself as a sort of back up plan, but one that I am going to try and make a regular part of my day.

I MOSTLY spent the weekend thinking (okay HOPING) that the call was just them letting me know the tumor markers still looked good, but I also made a list at the beginning of each day of to dos - NOT JUST THE WORK AND CHORES - but other things I wanted to accomplish as well. In with the work, I made sure to make time to read, to write, to knit, to walk - all things that usually only happen if there's time left over in a day (at which point I'm usually too tired to do most of it). Dealing with this call was a little message to me to make sure that whatever time I have left, I'm spending it consciously. Every day. And it is really something that would be good for ALL of us to do because none of us knows what is around the corner.

So I called in this morning. Got an answering machine and left a message that I was returning their call. About an hour and a half later, the nurse called back:" Hi Dana. The doctor just wanted me to call and tell you that your tumor markers are normal". THANK YOU! For the good news AND for the lesson.